Damn

I used to think that you either just make it out or that you survive prison, if you're fortunate to have an out date and arrive at it...but now I know that that isn't the case at all. You don't survive our make it out of prison, you have to escape prison. Regardless if you are released on time, prison isn't something that you can just shake and forget. Prison isn't just a moment in your past that you can easily move beyond, forgetting all that you went through. Prison is a reoccurring reality that you have to shed off you like mud-rain soaked dirty clothes, one filthy exhaustively gritty and clinging layer at a time. Shedding away the trauma of paranoia from spontaneous chaos and impending attacks. Shedding away the hate from dehumanizing verbal commands, scheduled routines, uniforms, and strip searches. Shedding away the uneasy voices that accompanied you many nights spent alone isolated within solitary confinement and the depth with which you discovered more disdainfully haunting and embarrassing aspects of yourself. Shedding away the numbness of day to day longing of company memories freedom love peace space and options. Shedding away the thickened and sedimented layers of regret and remorse from self inflicted wounds that affected way more than just you. Shedding away the world like weight of guilt from the many days dates and duties to your kids and lived ones within an unforgiving world that continued to move on without you as you struggle to catch up with the almost seemingly race-like pace and expanded distance disconnect and yet closeness of everything and everyone. Shedding away the extra shadows formulated in the corner of your minds eye and the haunted caverns of your peripherals that have you so jumpy with the closeness of people and needing to keep a view of everything in your radius in order to feel comfortable and safe. Shedding away the body building type muscle and nerve tension from needing to keep a tough and hardened guard and barrier up as to not feel or look weak. Shedding away the feeling of ineptness, wondering if you know enough and if you are enough. Shedding away your constant need for approval acceptance and forgiveness, wanting to be seen as more than those life changing moments. Yea, prison is just walked out of, it becomes a part of you, ingrained deeply until it becomes you. Prison isn't just a building, its also what we've built within us. Until you get that, then you'll never escape, nor will know what someone is truly battling internally. When you've fought for years only to realize that the toughest fight left is with yourself...all you can say is..."damn"