Drowning

I can't swim maybe you've mastered doggy paddling for a moment but with a speed-like panic and less calm across the surface of water like me but you never knew how exactly to swim with any finesse, skill or certainty especially when it came to deepness but then there's a sudden panic that engulfs you at moments notice without time to decide the moment you see someone you love sinking it overwhelms any sense of self including self preservation you don't ponder what you can't do urgently you quickly think what you can do and how taking action without the self serving step we take of ensuring success that would take too much time there's no time to waste any mental lapse is a time lapse deciding life or death seems there's never enough time in life.. when meaning creeps into its fragile ever changing picture you've always been a quick learner whenever reason was applied with a great photographic memory when it came to the simplicity of concepts so within a second, you believe you can master in an instance what has evaded your abilities throughout your lifetime maybe it evaded you because of fear- that crude calculation of self preservation its roots in humiliation from failing what seems so natural and easy for most although you struggle, believing yourself too old for new tricks making the decision to steer clear of all hardships the rest of your life if you can help to at least what's the point of adding more struggle to this painful experience we call life or maybe it's the panic from the finality of failure and what that means I mean, at some level, we all fear death self preservation being a synonym for fear but we trick our minds in the acts of courage bravery and love after all, life is more mental than anything once we can transcend the walls of our minds than anything is possible...right? and so you leap!- a metaphor for faith diving thru the surface- another metaphor, for breaking through the shallowness to which you've existed with will being your champion and you reach and reach but somehow they seem as if they are falling faster than the dynamics of water would allow faster than the horrible mechanics you've vaguely learned and held onto ignorantly thinking you'd never need them but you believe they are worth saving so you can't give up too many have given up on you, you know the feeling besides, they, wouldn't give up on you right? and still, you wouldn't have done this anyway if you didn't think there was a chance at success...would you? maybe at some level, life becomes unbearable for most of us and we entertain the thought, the idea of death but too cowardly to actually venture further than that selfish act of betrayal always looking for a way out- an easier path but now here's your excuse a way for your life to finally mean something Hero or Martyr, it seems your options have never been so clear and honorable you most definitely will be remembered in high regards after all our humanity aches to be remembered and so, in a sense, we will never die that's why history is so important you can't know where you're going if you don't know where you've been and who did it and how, first the image of a frog comes to mind and you do this wide bodied flail in the water somehow picking up speed, and closing the distance bridging the gap, the gap that's alluded you so much in life, love, and success tormented by the days of past that you just couldn't seem to get passed maybe you never will but finding meaning has always held the gift of present an escape from yesterday as you near closer, you see their eyes closed noticing for the first time, that they just fell without any fear resistance or panicked movement almost resigned to their fate or maybe ... no... but maybe it was planned after all, you just saw the end of the fall and made a split second judgement just like life decisions made without a full body of facts framed by moments though we chase history we evade roots, cause, or reason... and react to the symptoms we just see the tail end of the fall and dive in with our conclusions you get close enough to grab them you become mortally aware of one fact you've never quite known how to hold your breath I mean you got the concept but being a surface dweller, living your whole life without any depth any discovery afraid to dive in and explore the unknown and the feeling of being in limbo with the very thing fueling life into your body every second but you decided to live by avoidance taking on the easy things that never made need of any risk or a sacrifice plausible you just never trained yourself how to die slow because that's what holding your breath is and then the thought of the many levels and depths of dying slow depending how deep you go... I mean what's the point in tempting fate? safety was always the key to a meaningful life right hurt does nothing but hurt better to stay within your element there's trained scuba masters and the like whom decide to live on that edge but this isn't your expertise and as you begin to suffer for air, deep enough where the light of the surface is dimming you grab them with barely nothing left in you facing them towards yourself ready to rocket towards the surface saving you both then you notice something so chilling that it stills you and your fight for life alludes you as you become face to face with them because that person that was drowning was you...

upon reflection... this is how it feels when you give so much of yourself that there's no more air nor energy left for your swim back resigned to your fate- you close your eyes and finally die outside like you had done your whole life so many times inside I guess a hero or martyr is part suicidal