I tried and I tried and I tried... and I just lied! The truth is I cried and I cried and I cried... inside for the life of me, I pondered... had I lost the last bit of life in me, is there any life left in me? no tears fell, outwardly but I felt them, as real as touch had I lost touch with myself my own emotions or just the ability to both call them forth and show them- on cue. I was empty, that much I knew I had just lost everything well, everything that I considered everything and even more of the things that weren't everything enough you know what I mean? this mirror tells the ugliest lies how can it both reflect my pride and that which I hide. my eyes give me away after all, I am about to do a decade before free again what was I even doing ten years ago? and I expect her to still be here? I left her and came here, try again what about my siblings what about my sons what about my family what about my friends what about my possessions ...lunacy how everything gains much more relevance in wake of its impending loss I hadn't spoken to none of these people I wanted to cling onto at this moment for so long I'll do this without them and I cried and I cried and I cried but they'll never have a story of me needing them because I can do this all by myself and I'll cry and cry and cry and you will never know no one will not even I because I can't even see my own te.. I see my own tear falling and falling and falling it appeared so lonely..fragile...and desperate but it gave me company and assurance that I was still alive, still somebody capable of feeling you may not get this but I needed these tears I mean what's worst, being disconnected from society or from your own self? so I'll take the painful acknowledgements that accompany tears because it gives me so much more in that moment than my exaggerated laughter ever could one day, like my tears- I will be released but right now, like my tears- I will no longer hold myself back because then like my tears- I will never again fall without reason purpose can't be perpetrated a poignantly prosed and poetic truth portrayed by each tear be true to thyself and honor each tear...drop tear... fall allowing something most resilient to grow and blossom from its decent but a tear doesn't fall, a tear rises if you can wrap your mind around that concept you'll see fortune in the company of tears and so like a tear- still I'll rise thru each fall gravity doesn't tell my truth it just distracts me from the truth as I stand, I am resilient resilient against all forces pushing and weighing down on me R.esilient U.nder S.tressful S.ituations thru this time thru this pain in this distance from my mistakes- my identity never changed just my perception a perception that tears its way thru each tear showing me a clarity I've never before acknowledged a clarity so pure sheer and true, on the other side of this agonizing moisture acting as if it were rain rinsing away my old dirt for a cleaner view of what's ahead of me so I'll cry and cry and cry although you may see my tears, you may never understand why but that's ok its perfectly fine because I'm ok with crying because crying is ok because emotions have a cause tears have their path and each fall risen from has purpose now if only I can get myself to believe this everyday..
RUSSELL
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